Expectations.

So this morning, my dad told me to stop dancing. Wow really? Why would you say that? It all started because I was bringing the giant cupcake I baked for Brewer and my dad assumed that it was for Fernandez just because she's my dance teacher so therefore she must be "my favorite". In his point of view, he thinks that I don't care bout my other teachers nor anything else but dance.

Seriously dad? Is that all you think I do with my life? True I love dance with a passion, but I have many other things to worry about besides dance. Dancing is just my favorite hobbies but telling me to stop dancing? Is that really necessary?

Plus, don't compare me to my sister. At least I don't intend on majoring in some sort of art and going to a private school for it. Just because she goes to a private school to study art, doesn't mean you have to prevent Molina, Salina, and me from doing what we love. Also, it doesn't mean that you have to bring me down and demand that I go to where you want me to go. Why are you mad at me for not applying for CSULA or USC? Why should I do what YOU want me to do? This is my future and not yours.

Comparison. Why are you going to compare me to other kids? I'm sorry that I'm not smart enough to reach your standards. I'm sorry that you sent me to a lame ass school with teachers who weren't very good at teaching and grading. Is it my fault that I can't stay after school because you don't want to pick me up? Is it my fault that YOU wanted me to go there when I rather go somewhere else? So it's my fault that you were never there for support and help me in my times of need right? It's my fault that I grew up to depend on no one but myself because I never got the motivation I needed from my parents right? All you ever did was yell at me over and over again. Blaming me for everything my sisters have done and everything that goes wrong. Honestly, I've been trying really hard but all you see in me is someone who is lazy and always go out.

If it makes you happy, I'll go to a community college if i get rejected from Irvine. Will that make you happy? Will that make you stop comparing me to others? Maybe if you were in my shoes, you'd understand what I'm doing with my life. I honestly don't have time of my own just to relax. I have many things to worry bout and get done. But are you satisfied with what I do? No. Everything I do is a waste of time in your point of view. When will you ever be satisfied with me?

As a little girl, you never even played with me. I would ask you to play with me and you'd tell me to leave you alone because you'd want to watch your basketball games. I thought to myself, maybe if i started playing basketball, you'd play with me. Did that work? Nope, cause you thought I'd grow up to be a tomboy. Yet as I grew older, you wanted me to do more "manly" work. But when I did the things I wanted to do, you'd say "What are you a boy? You're a girl! Go do girl stuff!" And when it comes to dance, you'd say "What are you Black now?"

What the fuck do you want from me? Do you just want me to stop everything I'm doing? I'm sorry but I can't do that. You're just going to have to accept what I do because I'm not going to let you stop me from what i enjoy doing. I love volunteering because i enjoy helping others. You can hate it all you want, but that mistake that you did doesn't have to be taken out on me. I love dance because it's my passion and a big part of my life. You think it's a waste of time? I'm sorry that each and every one of your daughters are good at some sort art and we love it. But you can't tell us what to love and what to hate. Always going out? Ha! You are so funny! Each and every one of my days are planned out with schedules consisting of events, work, performances, meetings, due dates, etc. Yes, there's a bunch of fun in it, but it's very rare that I get to just go out and relax. Most of the things I do may also seem like I want to do it just because, but there are many days where it's a must do.

Dear Dad, when will you stop being such a fucken dick and actually play your role as a dad.

I remember when you told me to get out of your life because I can't reach your expectations, but all I need is your help and support. Too bad you can't get that through your fucken head.