it's strange

how lately, i've been more mellow then out there. i guess it's nice to just sit down and relax, but it's as if i'm more annoyed easily then i have been. the thing is.. i just don't care. i just stopped caring bout a lot of things. things all around me. things like.. drama, friends fighting, people talking shit bout me, people talking shit bout my friends, family nagging at me, doing favors because people ask me, etc..

friends. people come and go, but i still don't know who i have a solid friendship with. friends who i can always turn to. who knows me inside and out. friends with respect. i can think of a few friends. but when i think about it, it's more of like the hi and bye friends at school who are only there when i ask for help. i miss having a friend who will just run up to me and hug me just because. a friend who doesn't even need to ask if i'm okay or not and just know. the type that will say "ok i'll be there in 5 minutes don't go anywhere". the one who will actually say "yeah you fucked up but hey life goes on there's no need to stay in the past. whats done is done." the truth. i don't need no "aw it's ok" cause in reality nothing is ok. people need to stop with the whole sweet talk. cause reality is a bitch and you take whatever shit comes in your way. i don't want that bullshit. i want to know that i can have a friend out there who can actually say shit to my face and tell me the truth. it's not like you can just sugar cult everything and it'll be alright. hey if i screw up i screw up. your mistakes should be your responsibility. yeah comfort is nice and all, but this is not some once upon a time story where you'll find your happily ever after. this is life. and there's no easy way out. all you can do is live it and learn from your mistakes.

now when i talk to people, it's like i have small things to say. i don't have a long deep conversation anymore with anyone. it's more of like i just listen and nod. say a couple of small words. and give a hug.

usually, i'd have a lot of things to say about any situation. i remember when i use to rush over to someone's house and just sit there till i know that they are ok. staying out late and going home alone because they're happy once again. thick or thin, any situation, i use to always be there. doing anything i possibly can just to make sure a friend in need is ok. but now that i look back.. i don't feel appreciated anymore. temporary friendships. HA. not worth my time.

although, i'd have to say that i appreciated the times we had. even though many friendships that i still cherish today are slowly fading, i'd have to admit that i'm glad that they can help their selves now instead of depending on me all the time.

today, i still continue to do favors for many people. lately it's always "hey jenn can you blah blah blah" and i'll just be like "ok" "sure" "why not".

this is such a pointless blog.

i've already made my choice in life and the priorities i want first. i've made my sacrifices and commitment. i know that it may be really busy, but i chose to put all this on myself. and i have no excuses to complain or get out of it.

maybe, i'm better off just keeping things to myself and helping myself.

i don't know.

life goes on